Nusta Khallas

2001-09-23T22:35:00.000-07:00

General Musharraf of Pakistan
Thought up a crooked game plan
He teamed up with the west
Praying it would be the best
He now lies in a kabrastan

A closet drinker of fine wine
Aiding the US, Pervez thought was fine
One night while drinking in his den
Quietly came bin Laden
And shot him in the bum with a carbine

2001-09-21T22:16:00.000-07:00

October-November, 2003

Mamma is New Mrs Poes Road

(The following posting was put up last week. Republished with minor changes in view of the SC ruling)

Marina Beach, November 22:
At a glittering and well-attended gala outdoor function, with the Arabian Sea as backdrop, Mamma Jayaraman was crowned the new Mrs India, closely edging out four other finalists.
Mrs Mamma, a local (L)ass, was, to most in the audience, an unlikely winner given the fact that she kept transferring and demanding change in judges.
What perhaps got Mamma the Two additional winning Points, according to two-bit analysts, was her figure - slim, lanky and tall. She Breasted the tape at 16-32-27-45 (16, a new parameter inducted this year, for cheeks). Also the fact that the other contenders’ figures were juggled disproportionately by Sasikala.
At a post-crowning press conference, Mamma spoke to us exclusively. Some excerpts.
Gautam: Mrs Mamma, what do you attribute your win to?
Mamma: Well, I have had a long stint in politics and the tricks and shenanigans I learned then were very valuable indeed.
“How do you mean “?
“I never took any crap from anyone. I was a true dictator and people would prostrate before me. I was goddess. Absolute autocrat. That’s what taught me to ward off inconvenient questions and answer stupid ones with panache.”
“Do you think that’s what turned the judges in your favour”?
“Absolutely. I had two or three transferred. Scowled at a couple more, didn’t allow the fourth and fifth to ask questions and had the last three physically removed by the Madras Police.”
“Well, ah, hum. How did you prepare for the pageant”?
“Actually, I wouldn’t have been here but for sheer happenstance and two incidental PILs filed by V Selvaraj (who has since been shot). It was them that dragged my name all the way from the Madras HC to the Supreme Court. There the sitting judge, Justice S P Bharucha (dispatched with cement shoes far off the Marina beach) put paid to my career, privileges, perks, free housing, a fleet of cars, my fundamental right to corruption and amassing unaccounted crores, in September, 2001.”
“So what’s that got to do with the win”?
“Having lost all that, I didn’t have dry fruits to eat, had to walk from room-to-room at my rented palace - yes, I had to pay rent - and actually had to open doors myself. That starved me and I lost such a mammoth amount of weight. What I rue in hindsight is that my hind is still quite a sight.”
“One cheeky reply.”
“Not exactly. There are two. Smooth, I assure you.”
“Your saga sounds very similar to Jayalalitha’s.”
“Are you a dumb, novice reporter”?
“Oh, so you juggled the letters into Mamma….. “
“From Amma.”

Repeat telecast on Cartoon Network and Animal Planet on a TV near you.

2001-09-20T22:02:00.000-07:00

A Dirge For Bush

By Gautam Date
Kabul, September 21:
The terrorist attacks in the US were a terrible thing. Granted. It not only removed two very distinguished global landmarks but the very heart of American military intelligence was hit as well.
Make no mistake (LOL, I got carried away. That's a Bush leitmotif; trademark, patent, copyright and all) the US administration is hell-bent on revenge. That it is yet to prove it was not Osama, bothers them not. They couldn't get him for the embassy bombings in Kenya so lets get him now folks. What better time and reason. It matters not either, that two suspects, whose names were mentioned in the hijackings, are actually alive elsewhere in the flesh.
The global Himmler, having drummed up the requisite support, is not only sending his stormtroopers on a one-way ticket but those of other armies as well.
A mighty USSR had to shamefully retreat even when a sustained campaign, lasting all of ten years, could do very little and achieved absolutely nothing.
The US cannot prevail in conflicts where the terrain is hostile or not to their liking. It happened in Vietnam. It did so too in the Gulf (three Hail Mary's for Saddam). It will happen here, yet again (make no mistake), in Afghanistan.
Bush better have a damn good excuse for the body bags that will return once the attack on Afghan territory begins.

PS: General Pervez Musharraf, having genuflected to appease, will come a complete and total cropper. Make No Mistake, for:
There was once a dictator called Pervez
Who was forced to do what Bush sez
Agreeing to the Afghanis' topple
He went against his people
And never came out of the terrible maze
RIP: Ripped In Pakistan

2001-09-20T04:49:00.000-07:00

BCCI Picks New Team

By Gautam Date

New Delhi, September 20:
With a series of injuries plaguing the Indian ODI team for the tour of South Africa, the BCCI, the Indian Olympic Committee and minister of sports, Uma Bharati, were desperately seeking solutions to put in a new and fresh team - one that will not be a customary and traditional embarrassment.
Emerging from the Khel Mantralaya building in New Delhi, Muthiah said a new team has been picked and Dr Anant Joshi who certified the regular players fit, fired.
The new team:
Saurav Ganguly (C) since he is Shaun Pollock's favourite bakra.
Rahul Dravid (vice captain). A complete oddity. He actually wins as acting captain.
Karnam Malleshwari: With a little steroids, can hit Clean (sixes and) Snatch (catches). The Proteas are posting ground staff with fishing nets outside the stadium. Special cast-iron willow being made.
Narain Karthikeyan: The speedster will replace Zaheer and compliment Sreenath.
Jaspal Rana: With his Accuracy and Fire Power, is expected to be used extensively in the slog overs.
Geet Sethi: Will provide the Cue for other players and Snooker the SA team.
Cheema Okerie: Excellent fielding prospect. Will be stationed in the gully.
Pullela Gopichand: Is believed to be a great wristy bowler and Shuttler between wickets.
Jeev Milkha Singh: For his expertise in playing on the Greens and his Swing.
Baichung Bhutia: Has tenacity to get Dribble and Triple centuries.
Aparna Popat: Will dhopat the SA bowlers and Shuttle for quick runs.
Twelfth Man: Mahesh Bhupathi. An Ace at Services. For water, pads, guards, etc.
Managers: Mike Tyson. To bash up umpires if they raise fingers before Ganguly's 100.
Arnold Shivaji Nagar. To assist the manager in finishing up bits of umpires overlooked by Tyson should they have the gall to ask for the third against Indians.

2001-09-19T22:35:00.000-07:00

KBC Gets Tougher
By Gautam Date
Bombay, September 19:
There had been a wave of protests and hate mail that KBC was being confused with its Junior version. Viewers strongly protested questions like If a person has two hands, how many arm-pits does he have?
This they claimed, was worse than BBC's Mastermind.
Siddharth Basu, the producer, was indeed in need of some intelligent and articulate questions - one's that would fax the train.
So severe was the crisis that they approached G M Rao, a renowned parliamentarian - yes, he unfortunately had brains - to provide a set of questions for the next episode of KBC.
Nustakhallas managed to get a sample:
Q: If it is 4.20 am in the Antarctic, what will be the time in
Options: The North Pole. In the igloo. My sun dial has lost the seconds' hand.
Q Dogs have a terrific sense of smell because
Options: You rarely have a bath. People raise arms often. Life stinks.
Q: It's a dark night if
Options: Its midnight. You cant see. It's a little past 23:59:59 hours.
Q: What will be the colour of a black dog when:
Options: Viewed by an IR imager. Green glasses. A blind person.
Q: If a person wears glasses, he
Options: Hallucinates, Sees mirages, Sees optical illusions
Q: If a 2 kb file is downloading, it is
Options: Coming down. Is loading underneath/below. Will tell you next week after download.
Q: If your head touches the bathroom shower, you
Options: Don't have a bath. Your shower does not work. Are confused over location of upside-down WC.
Q: The height of the 8000-odd foot Himalayas is:
Options: 7999.98 feet, snow, 8001 feet.
(Correct if you choose 'snow' because well . we say so)
Q: Will a visually handicapped person be able to see:
Options: The Wall (disrespect to Floyd). The mirror. KBC once a week in Braille. (The Wall of course. He banged into it, didn't he?).
Q: If the cigarette has ash, will it:
Options: Have an ashtray, a filter, a smoker attached to it.
Finally, Siddarth, totally confused, completely bewildered and in sheer perspiration: Can I have the lone Pepsi?
Amitabh: Aap mere ko uloo samaj thhe hain?

2001-09-18T22:58:00.000-07:00

Peace in Kashmir
An Exclusive Interview With The Pakistani President

Pakistan's president, General Pervez Bush-arraf has announced that Pakistan would not cause any problems in Kashmir and that he would help and provide full assistance to India in fighting terrorism.
Disclosing these monumental decisions at an exclusive interview to the editor of NustaKhallas, he said, "I am completely indebted to India and Indians for the relief I have received here."
Below are excerpts from the interview.
Nustakhallas: Bush-arraf, why did you come to India for the treatments?
Bush-arraf: I couldn't help it. You see, I had gone to hide in Afghanistan as the guest of Osama bin Laden.
NK: You went there !!! ?
Bush-arraf: Sure. That was the safest place for me. With the Taliban attack imminent, Osama was my safest bet. Who would think of looking for me there?
NK: Makes sense. Then why leave?
Bush-arraf: I am not used to Afghani food and cuisine. Two days and I began a series of very bad burps. I would belch at very high decibel levels. The Taliban and Osama in particular, were scared that sophisticated sonar equipment with the US would give our hideout away.
NK: Must have been a horrible experience.
Bush-arraf: Sure it was. But I didn’t say anything and shut my mouth. It was then that I was hit by yet another problem. This far worse and far serious.
NK: What was that?
Bush-arraf: I began to break terrible wind. With one outlet closed, there was only one other escape route. In the hills of Kandahar, there was no way I could plug the leaks. At high altitudes, I began to levitate. The mountains were clouded in methane and a Taliban out-post was blown up when Mujahideens lighted up. A worried Osama was looking at ways to get rid of me.
NK: So how did you come to India?
Bush-arraf: Luckily for me, your prime minister heard of my unique problems and offered me the best Unani treatment here. It has been a miracle. InshahAllah.
NK: You are cured completely?
Bush-arraf: (Raising his glass) This is my fifth soda. And you have been here for more than an hour. Haven’t you?

2001-09-18T04:22:00.000-07:00

Solidarity With US

By Gautam Date
Agra, September 16:
Prime Minister Atal Behari Vajpayee has announced an award from the Prime Minister's Relief Fund for anyone that can lead to the location of the WTC Towers.
Speaking here where the PM arrived to relive his historical summit with Musharraf, the PM said that India is expressing solitarily with the US in its hour of grief. Asked why he chose Agra to announce the reward, he said, "This was the venue of the summit. Now with the possibility of Taliban wiping out Pakistan, I have come here in fond memory of Musharraf.
Elaborating on the award, Vajpayee said, "The award would be administered by the Rajiv Gandhi Rozgar Yojana. We have offered specially minted commemorative two rupees, one for each tower. This is the best reward there is and India believes it will help in locating the towers."
When told of the pittance of the reward, Finance Minister Yashwant Sinha countered, "US stock prices are continually falling. The NY stock exchange has not opened for over a week. We anticipate a massive trade deficit. Oil reserves in the US are low. With a sustained armed campaign against Afghanistan, oil will be at a premium, even in the US. Their economy will be in the dumps. US industry will be gripped by a massive recession. The jobless list will be extremely severe. Companies that have not already shut down will do so by the dozens."
Painting a grim scenario, Sinha added, "We thus anticipate the rupee to be traded at around one lakh dollars. Perhaps more."

2001-09-17T23:14:00.000-07:00

Calamity Averted
Lashkar-e-Jabbar Heeds Clarion Call

By Gautam Date

Jammu, September 13:
Heeding a request by Prime Minister Vajpayee, the Lakshar-e-Jabbar, a militant outfit of Kashmir, has forthwith retracted its fatwah requiring women to adhere strictly to the Islamic dress code by wearing the abayia.
As deadline for donning the abaiya or the burqha neared, women scrambled to tailors and stores who just could not meet the demand.
So calamitous was the situation that the Northern Railway ran out of wagons, flights to Kashmir were carrying more bales of black cloth than passengers.
Tailors from New Delhi, and reportedly from as far as Kalimpong, rushed to Jammu to make a killing in stitching burquas.
Cloth mills in Gujarat and Bombay made double shifts compulsory to produce extra cloth for requirement in J & K.
Ludhiana-based companies manufacturing needles were swamped with orders they could not fulfill. Ditto the case with sewing machine manufacturers in Noida.
Truckers and transporters diverted large parts of their fleet to the Kashmir route. This resulted in their godowns elsewhere brimming to capacity with undelivered consignments.
Meanwhile, purely as a precautionary measure, manufacturers in Bhandup, Navi Mumbai together with major un-licensed companies in Bihar were putting in production, large quantities of facial acid.
The Kashmir chapter of the Beauty Parlour Owners Association (BPOA) took out a massive and unique rally in the capital dressed in bikinis, drumming up support against the veil. Said Ms Fatima Sadiqui, the BPOA spokesman, "With women donning the veil, they are no more bothered how they look. Business has really been down. At this rate we will have to shut down completely."
So totally and completely chaotic was the situation that Vajpayee convened a cabinet meeting with ministers of surface transport and industry. Consequently, the PMO issued a request to the Lashkar-e-Jabbar.
The veiled threat was thus retracted.
Industry majors and Assocham heaved a collective sigh of relief.

2001-09-16T23:05:00.000-07:00

Jest For Fun
"Honey," said a husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

2001-09-15T08:28:00.000-07:00

No Shaving Blades In India

By Gautam Date

Bombay, September, 15:
Prime Minister AB Vajpayee was closeted at a high-level cabinet committee meeting late last night to find solutions to the severe blade crisis to hit the nation.
It may be recalled that with the imminent attacks on Afghanistan, there was a mammoth rush for shaving blades in the Afghan capital Kabul and other major cities. Afghan nationals were said to be shaving off their beards to avoid being recognised as someone belonging to the Taliban. The disguise, said Abdul Hai Mutamaen, the Taliban’s chief spokesman, would save several casualties and reduce the death count.
So huge was the demand that sources disclosed that Mullah Muhammad Omar, the Taliban chief himself had sent his special envoy to meet Vajpayee himself to get assurances of plentiful supply of various blades and shaving systems.
Blade sales representatives, meanwhile, have never had it so good. Ganpat Rao, an employee of Gillette, spoke from his new home in a swank suburb of Bombay. “I frankly don’t know what the Taliban thing is. My colleague told me something about it and before I knew it, I had far surpassed my sales targets even for the next year. I got several bonuses from the company and with the windfall, I brought this five-room flat.”
Lucky Singh, another salesman for Malhotra Shaving Products said from the airport, where he was on his way to a vacation with his entire family to Singapore that, “My sales figures shot up tremendously when the demand for blades and razors began to swell. I was lagging in my sales figures but have now managed to quadruple my targets. With a ten per cent incentive, I have enough to take a comfortable month-long vacation.”
Meanwhile major software institutes have reported a substantial drop in enrollments. Software is seen no more the attractive tool it was to great jobs. Aptech reported a drop of over 63 per cent. NIIT was hit the hardest with a drop of 78 per cent.
The latest craze? A degree in Barberology for hot careers (and stock options) in Afghanistan.

Limca Records

New Delhi: The Limca Book Of Records has admitted that Tirupati Tirumala Devasthanams is no more the sub-continent’s largest supplier of hair and that it has lost its fizz. The publishers claimed that Kabul has now become the hub and the largest exporter of human hair bringing in a huge amount of foreign exchange.

2001-09-15T00:00:00.000-07:00

Nitrous Oxide

a.. Whats the opposite of Gopalakrishnan?
Comepalakrishnan.
b.. What is the opposite of Subramnium Swamy ?
Subramanium Didn't See Me.
c.. How do they start a road race in Tamil Nadu?
Ready....Steady.....PO
d.. What do you call a really colourful Tamilian?
Rangamannar Rangarajan.
e.. How does a Tamilian introduce the tennis superstar Lendl?
Ivan Lendl (Ivan is 'he' in Tamil).
f. Why do they require 5 people for a Malayalee funeral?
Four to carry the coffin and one person to carry the two-in-one.
g. Why did the Malayalee cross the road?
To join the trade union on the other side.
h.. What is a gay Maharashtrian called?
Deccan Queen
i.. What do you call a Maharashtrian tailor?
Sadashiv.

2001-09-14T23:16:00.000-07:00

Jest For Fun

Andy and Jack went out drinking one night and didn't get home till the wee hours.
They see each other the next day at work and Jack asks, "Did your wife have much to say when you got home last night?"
Andy replies, "No, but that didn't keep her from talking for two hours."

2001-09-13T23:54:00.000-07:00

ICC Adopts New Standard

By Gautam Date

Dhaka, September 13:
The meeting convened in the Bangaldesh capital by the International Cricket Council (ICC) of the various national boards of cricketing nations adopted and unanimously passed a resolution on using a new graph to show runs scored and wickets lost.
The meeting was necessitated when players complained to their respective boards that the recent terrorist attacks in the US, (where the WTC towers collapsed and the Pentagon was damaged), didn’t henceforth provide a true and correct graphic of the game.
The Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI), the Pakistan Cricket Board and boards of other cricketing nations were meeting here, under the aegis of the ICC, to decide and replace the Manhattan with another graphic.
Batsmen were of the contention that a couple of consecutive blanks would give the impression that they didn’t score anything for all of two overs and that they were maidens, thus incidentally, crediting bowlers, albeit wrongly, with great bowling. Bowlers on the other hand, asserted that two blanks indicated they didn’t take any wickets at all.
This they claimed, was not quite correct and totally unfair and that it was not a true interpretation of the game either.
In providing a solution, the BCCI took the lead by offering an option. It was mentioned by Jayavant Lele that the Dharavi silhouette be henceforth used since it came very close to Manhattan (with shanties of various floors and height) and assured that it was here to stay for a long time to come. The BCCI also guaranteed the ICC that there was absolutely no chance that Dharavi would be targetted by either Indian Airlines or Air India. Nor would it be removed by the BMC.
Repeat telecast of the meeting on DD Sports.

Spiderman Critical
Washington, September 13:
In a related incident, Spiderman was admitted to the Washington Memorial Medical Centre with severe a case of Muscular Atropy (a condition where muscles weaken) due to the absence of two of his favourite exercise grounds.

2001-09-11T23:12:00.000-07:00

Sowing What You Reap

New York, September 12.

The terrorist attacks on the World Trade Centre and the Pentagon, which, as of now, perhaps claimed more than a thousand lives, has the US mad at the perpetrators.
Claiming the assault as "barbaric" and "cowardly" (typical US euphemisms for getting to them by their b*lls despite all their billions on security), Bush admitted at a hastily called press conference in Florida that those found guilty would not be spared and that such attacks against America would not be tolerated.
Perhaps he failed to recall Nicaragua, where aid to leftist rebels in El Salvador caused the US to sponsor anti-Sandinista contra guerrillas through much of the 1980s. Civil war, killings, maiming, death.
Perhaps he forgot Vietnam.
A complete and totally failed misadventure where, reports emanating much later after the non-success, said in graphic detail, many pictorially, of how women were raped repeatedly, how wombs (with living fetuses) were sliced open, how kids were tortured and shot at point-blank range to see how far brains would fly and check ballistics. Or just simply to study patterns of bodies when killed at close range. Good lessons for anatomy students in the US.
Perhaps he overlooked Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
Tons and tons of children, innocents and the aged completely wiped out with just a couple of bombs (Four islands – Hokkaido being inhabitable. Then Honshu, Shikoku and Kyushu). So catastrophic were the consequences of the bombings that to this very day, yep now, Japanese have proof of what happened generations back. Skin diseases, memorials, recollections, the horror. They burned. Helpless.
Perhaps he grossly overlooked the Gulf War.
Several nations, all of 28 - no less mind you - (first world, almost all with sophisticated and the latest technologies at their disposal) piled on Saddam Hussain in a sham and guise of aiding Kuwait. A free real-life, killing exercise to analyse new armaments, their ammo suppliers… a testing ground. Pure and simple. Some Iraquis died. The UN was arm-twisted grotesquely into imposing sanctions despite the fact the US is the biggest debtor to the world body.
So? We managed and tested our systems, didn’t we?
Points won at the Congress.
Bless the resolute Mister Saddam Hussain. One from the Third World - One Of Us - who had the gall in not taking crap … who didn’t take any bull, from any one. Not even from 28 first-rate nations.
It required the US, its armies, air force, navy and 27 allies to wreck havoc in Iraq.
Four persons was all it took to engineer and prove to the world what a load of total, complete and absolute shit
a. Space Shuttles,
b. Missile Defence Systems,
c. Star Wars,
d. Stealth Bombers
e. Etc, etc, et all were.
Someone will always come around to do you in if you are the persistent self-imposed super-cop and international bullshitter.
The twin towers sunk into the ground. You sow what you reap.

2001-09-11T01:58:00.000-07:00

Jest A Minute

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business."

2001-09-10T22:55:00.000-07:00

TRP Ratings @Imbeciles.com

By Gautam Date

New Delhi, September 11:
In a recent survey conducted by Association of Sob Soaps (ASS), results of which were released to the media yesterday, it was revealed that the Television Rating Points (TRP) system and methodology adopted so far was really skewed and completely inaccurate.
The ASS survey conducted over a six-month period interviewed over 44,000 people in the metros and rural India.
An overwhelming 54 per cent of those from mental institutions who were posed the questionnaire said they didn’t understand why the Saas and Bahu have verbal diarrhoea as often as every day despite OTC availability of Isabgol and Pergolax. They were also at a loss as to why tough and really difficult KBC poseurs such as What will be the colour of the sky in the pool reflection when viewed from the mezzanine of the tenth and eleventh floor? have anything to do with mental disabilities and malfunctions.
Most surprisingly, rural India seemed much more erudite. They abstained, it was found, watching the idiot box after sunset citing lack of solar power. During the day, however, they watched CNN and CNBC specially for movement of the Nifty and Nikkei, the survey revealed.
ASS also pointed out that people with partially impaired vision or with just one retina (having used up the 50-50 option of the 20/20), watched TV to keep an eye on what their wards were watching late into the night.
So far-reaching were results of the survey that the Sensex closed at 44.88 from an intra-day high of 103.4, due to heavy bearish activity on advertising agency scrips.
Rupert Murdoch was reported to have rushed to Delhi and was closeted with Shubash Chandra discussing ad rates. Rival Kunal Dasgupta is said to be devising a special ad package for lunatics to manufacture lunar cells for TV sets.
The Advertising Standards Institute went into an extraordinary general meeting to find ways and means to select, choose and pick imbeciles who would endorse the previous format of ratings for the hitherto popular visual chewing-gum on television and rubbish results of the ASS (and most importantly, put behind) survey.

Log on to http://www.tvimbeciles.org for complete details.

2001-09-10T04:29:00.000-07:00

Jest a Minute

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.
He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".
"Okay," says the man, "That explains the blood... but what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

2001-09-10T03:23:00.000-07:00

A Grin

A guy is in a public toilet, but soon discovers there is no toilet paper on the roll.
He calls into the next booth, "Do you have any tissue paper in there?"
”No," comes the reply.
"Do you have any newspaper?"
"Sorry!"
"Ummm, do you have two fives for a ten?"

2001-09-09T23:25:00.000-07:00

Trinamool Concedes all Seats to Congress
Jayalalitha Adjusts her Seat

By Gautam Date

Kolkota, April 1:
Chief Congress negotiator and party president Sonia Gandhi’s emissary, Kamal Nath returned triumphant to New Delhi with the assurance from Trinamool president, Mamata Banergee that the latter was willing to concede all seats to the Congress and will provide it outside support for the forthcoming assembly elections in the state.
Disclosing this to newsmen gathered at 1, Akbar Road, Ms Gandhi thanked Kamal Nath for his dexterity at chaste Bengali. She also pointed out that he had turned red at the effort with the Communist Party (M) joining hands, albeit surreptitiously, with the Congress.
Mamata, fearing an erosion in her base, was already making plans to join Chafekars Weight Control Center. “The chair was beginning to feel cramped,” is what she is reported to have said.
Taking a cue from the rear, AIADMK president, Ms Jayalalitha came from behind to toast (a-la bottoms up) the efforts of the Congress and reached an agreement on seat sharing for Pondicherry based on who has the maximum seat base.
It remains to be seen what the bottom will be. Cheek to cheek? In which case, is there going to be a vertical split?
Ergo, this brings us to the parody: What did one completely bald man tell the other……lets join heads and make an arse of ourselves.

2001-09-07T22:24:00.000-07:00

October-November, 2003

Mamma is New Mrs Poes Road

By Gautam Date
Marina Beach, November 22:
At a glittering and well-attended gala outdoor function, with the Arabian Sea as backdrop, Mamma Jayaraman was crowned the new Mrs India, closely edging out four other finalists.
Mrs Mamma, a local (L)ass, was, to most in the audience, an unlikely winner given the fact that she kept transferring and demanding change in judges.
What perhaps got Mamma the Two additional winning Points, according to two-bit analysts, was her figure - slim, lanky and tall. She Breasted the tape at 16-32-27-45 (16, a new parameter inducted this year, is for cheeks). Also the fact that the other contenders’ figures were juggled disproportionately by Sasikala.
At a post-crowning press conference, Mamma spoke to us exclusively. Some excerpts.
Gautam: Mrs Mamma, what do you attribute your win to?
Mamma: Well, I have had a long stint in politics and the tricks and shenanigans I learned then were very valuable indeed.
Gautam: How do you mean ?
Mamma: I never took any crap from anyone. I was a true dictator and people would prostrate themselves before me. I was goddess. Absolute autocrat. That’s what taught me to ward off inconvenient questions and answer stupid ones with panache.
Gautam: Do you think that’s what turned the judges in your favour?
Mamma: Absolutely. I had two or three transferred. Scowled at a couple more, didn’t allow the fourth and fifth to ask questions and had the last three physically removed by the Madras Police.
Gautam: Well, ah, hum. How did you prepare for the pageant?
Mamma: Actually, I wouldn’t have been here but for sheer happenstance and two incidental PILs filed by V Selvaraj (who has since been shot). It was them that dragged my name all the way from the Madras HC to the Supreme Court. There the sitting judge, Justice S P Bharucha (dispatched with cement shoes far off the Marina beach) put paid to my career, privileges, perks, free housing, a fleet of cars and a few other unaccounted crores, in 2001.
Gautam: So what’s that got to do with the win?
Mamma: Having lost all that, I didn’t have dry fruits to eat, had to walk from room-to-room at my rented palace - yes, I had to pay rent - and actually had to open doors myself. That starved me and I lost such a mammoth amount of weight. What I rue in hindsight is that my hind is still quite a sight.
Gautam: One cheeky reply.
Mamma: Not exactly. There are two. Smooth, I assure you.
Gautam: Your saga sounds very similar to Jayalalitha’s.
Mamma: Are you a dumb, novice reporter?
Gautam: Oh, so you juggled the letters into Mamma…..
Mamma: From Amma.

Repeat telecast on Cartoon Network and Animal Planet on a TV near you.

2001-09-07T02:42:00.000-07:00

Bangaru Laxman Replaces Advani.

New Delhi, March 27.
In a dramatic development to the Defence Scandal, one that is likely to have far reaching consequences, sacked and tainted BJP ex-president, Bangaru Laxman today replaced Lal Krishna Advani as the number two man in the party hierarchy.
Confirming this to newsmen assembled at the recently stoned-by-Congress I-activists BJP headquarters in the capital, Major General PSK Choudhary, Additional Director General, Weapons, said, “Advaniji has been indicted by the Liberhans commission and is increasingly seen to soften his stand on the Babri Masjid issue. There are rumours now that he wants to convert to Islam. It is also believed that he has problems with the CENTRAL membership issue. He wants the member reduced.”
Pleading helplesness at Advani’s reduced member totem, Major General Choudhary quoted Syed Bhukari as being instrumental in the turnaround. Talking to Gulliver’s Travels from the Jama Masjid, Bhukari said, “It is an Islamic thing and we specialise in the practice of ‘turn around’.”
Reacting to this at a hastily convened press conference, Samta Party Fund Receiver Jaya Jaitly, said, “The short com-ings will be felt across the rank and file of the NDA. Vajpayee-ji had recently capped his geriatric problems with a new knee fez and Advani-ji’s ‘handicap’ will cut things short.”

2001-09-06T22:17:00.000-07:00

Ganguly Chosen For Loss Record

By Gautam Date

Mumbai, September 7:
At the AGM of the Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI), held at the Saki Naka branch of the Sulabh Sauchalaya, chairman Chandu Borde, speaking from a cubicle said Ganguly was chosen captain to lead India in South Africa since he had an enviable record at losing tournaments.
“Rahul Dravid, whose name was bandied about, would not have been suitable since he would have stunned the nation mute with a win. The issue would have come up in Parliament and created a furore,” added Jayant Lele, secretary.
Discussing the merits at an informal gathering later in the day, board members spoke to this correspondent in detail.
Borde: We chose Ganguly for a few reasons. He prefers black rasagollas which are available only in South Africa.
Lele: The captain is also Shaun Pollock’s favourite. It was he who pleaded with the board to let him lead because he has got Ganguly out ever so often. Secondly, Nagma and Donna are both there now and the SA coach Bob Woolmer felt the Indian captain could oscillate his willow between the gullies and fine legs – a mammoth distraction.
Mutthiah: Most importantly, probably was the fact that Dravid would have set a most unsavoury precedent in winning perhaps a couple of Tests. The repercussions would have been terrible specially vis-a-vis the Pakistani team.
Borde: We were also of the opinion that captaincy on Sachin would put additional burden on his redesigned shoes putting them at the risk of hairline fractures.
Uma Bharati (sports minister): Ganguly’s presence in the dressing room is critical for team moral. Being a sadhvi and believer in Ram, I felt Ganguly’s talent at aaya Ram-gaya Ram (Shakespearese for Easy Come, Easy Go) from the wicket would boost spirits in the dressing room, which I will over SEE.

2001-09-05T22:28:00.000-07:00

Vajpayee Shuffles Again

By Gautam Date

Jhumritalliya, September 7:
With fresh vigour induced into his knees, a-k-a caps, Prime Minister Atal Behari Vajpayee decided to do the shuffle.
The cabinet, a press release from the PMO’s secretariat added.
In the shake, rattle and roll, many heads did just that.
The National Dying Alliance (NDA) partners were miffed at the shuffle, more so since Dr Ranawat couldn’t do anything for their knees, thus depriving them their fair share of shake, rattle and roll (Speaker GMC Balyogi rued the Macarena too).
Speaking at the circuit house here, party spokesman Forge FernAndDish said that portfolios were allotted more in keeping with the physical status of Cabinet ministers.
The MP’s relocated were:
Lal Krishna Advani: From Home to the Ministry of Hair @ Tirupati Devasthanams in keeping with his long cherished and closet desire of less face to wash and more hair to comb. Additional charge of Animal Husbandry, department of Ass, where he will work in tandem with Pritish Nandy (two bald heads resemble..).
Ram Vilas Paswan: Minister of Backward Class. With experience gathered in Communications, his one-point agenda: To take the country headlong into the 21st Century, BC. Freebies to all and sundry will help and abet. Paswan will retain his chambers at Sansad Bhawan along with the wool shearer.
Arun Shourie: From Minister of Disinvestment to President of the CII, where he will ensure that the Indian Express gets sufficient newsprint. His budget allocation has also been hiked.
Yashwant Seen-Ha: Gets the Investment and Finance portfolio with a Cabinet rank. He will also be permanently on the board of the Unified Treason of Investments (UTI) and be an advisor for investment in disinvestment policies of the government. He will also provide value-added services for Delhi’s acceptance into the WTO.
Rabri Devi: Inducted into the Cabinet for the first time, her nine-year experience will be beneficial to the Family Planning Ministry. Laloo Prasad Yadav will be Minister of State for Youth and Sports for his accomplishments in back-breaking and elbow-abrasive work over a nine-year period.
Tarun Tejpal: Another new induction. He will head the Research and Analysis Wing with a Cabinet rank and over-see procurement of spycams, hidden cameras, UV tape recorders and chaai-pani envelopes.

2001-09-05T22:27:00.000-07:00

Army to Recruit CSWs
To Promote Defence Scams In-House

By: Gautam Date

New Delhi, September 6.
Taking a cue from the second round of tehelka revelations, the army has decided to recruit women to be used exclusively in-house and retain such exposés within the armed forces itself.
They would be available in all shapes and sizes through the Canteen Stores Department (CSD) long after office hours.
Speaking to reporters at a well-attended press conference held at Army Headquarters, Chief Public Relations Officer of the defence establishment said henceforth, the new recruits would be lodged in sterile houses swept regularly for hidden cameras. “All holes, including ones for keys, will also be sealed,” he added. “They would also be equipped with small portable latex dispensers should the need arise and will have access to premium liquor to service clients.”
Disgraced Samta Party ex-president and chief money taker, Bangaru Laxman welcomed the move as one in the straight direction. “The army has been taking this lying down so far. If they do have to lie down for it, it will now be official. The graphic tapes will be used to study postures and body language soldiers adopt before they come.” He very hastily added, “On the battle field.”

2001-09-04T23:30:00.000-07:00

Nike Relocates Shoe Plant
Baked Beans Cited as Reason

By Gautam Date

Johannesburg, Sept 5.International shoe and sports accessory major, Nike, has decided to relocate its primary shoe manufacturing operations from the US to South Africa, Ted Johnson, company media representative said in Seattle yesterday.
Citing tactful business interests, Johnson said that the relocation plans were necessitated by injury to Sachin Tendulkars toe.
When quizzed further, Johnson quoted, “Marks Smith, our COO decided to shift the shoe manufacturing unit to SA since the firm aims at manufacturing special re-designed shoes for the star batsmen, in accordance with suggestions from Dr Mark Fergussion, his surgeon in SA.”
We decided to probe further and interviewed Sachin’s toe. Following is the transcript:
GD: How did the injury come about?
Toe: Well, it had nothing to do with cricket really as is reported in a section of the press. It happened when Sachin was using me to break bubbles in the bath-tub. What he didn’t realise was that there were also some with methane among them. It was one of those that did me in.
GD: We presume Sachin had more than 239 baked beans prior to the bath.
Toe: Yes, that’s right. It didn’t quite strike him that one more would be two farty. I am amazed at Shane Warne.
GD: We heard that you have changed shape.
Toe: Not just me. There have been some structural changes to the Talus, Tarsal and Metatarsals as well.
GD: What are they?
Toe: The hairline fracture was identified under a high resolution proton-nuclear microscope (the electronic one couldn’t find the fine crack). In fact when Dr Fergussion couldn’t find the hairline, he decided to manually create one.
GD: So what will happen now?
Toe: With the complete change in shape of the Phalanges and a new, re-designed shoe, special manicure and nail polish, I have to participate in practice sessions of all of eight different styles of walking.
GD: Eight different styles?
Toe: Sure. I am familiar with MOON walk but …….

2001-08-25T04:37:00.000-07:00

Hey folks, coming up in a couple of days....loads of mirth