General Musharraf of Pakistan
Thought up a crooked game plan
He teamed up with the west
Praying it would be the best
He now lies in a kabrastan

A closet drinker of fine wine
Aiding the US, Pervez thought was fine
One night while drinking in his den
Quietly came bin Laden
And shot him in the bum with a carbine

October-November, 2003

Mamma is New Mrs Poes Road

(The following posting was put up last week. Republished with minor changes in view of the SC ruling)

Marina Beach, November 22:
At a glittering and well-attended gala outdoor function, with the Arabian Sea as backdrop, Mamma Jayaraman was crowned the new Mrs India, closely edging out four other finalists.
Mrs Mamma, a local (L)ass, was, to most in the audience, an unlikely winner given the fact that she kept transferring and demanding change in judges.
What perhaps got Mamma the Two additional winning Points, according to two-bit analysts, was her figure - slim, lanky and tall. She Breasted the tape at 16-32-27-45 (16, a new parameter inducted this year, for cheeks). Also the fact that the other contenders’ figures were juggled disproportionately by Sasikala.
At a post-crowning press conference, Mamma spoke to us exclusively. Some excerpts.
Gautam: Mrs Mamma, what do you attribute your win to?
Mamma: Well, I have had a long stint in politics and the tricks and shenanigans I learned then were very valuable indeed.
“How do you mean “?
“I never took any crap from anyone. I was a true dictator and people would prostrate before me. I was goddess. Absolute autocrat. That’s what taught me to ward off inconvenient questions and answer stupid ones with panache.”
“Do you think that’s what turned the judges in your favour”?
“Absolutely. I had two or three transferred. Scowled at a couple more, didn’t allow the fourth and fifth to ask questions and had the last three physically removed by the Madras Police.”
“Well, ah, hum. How did you prepare for the pageant”?
“Actually, I wouldn’t have been here but for sheer happenstance and two incidental PILs filed by V Selvaraj (who has since been shot). It was them that dragged my name all the way from the Madras HC to the Supreme Court. There the sitting judge, Justice S P Bharucha (dispatched with cement shoes far off the Marina beach) put paid to my career, privileges, perks, free housing, a fleet of cars, my fundamental right to corruption and amassing unaccounted crores, in September, 2001.”
“So what’s that got to do with the win”?
“Having lost all that, I didn’t have dry fruits to eat, had to walk from room-to-room at my rented palace - yes, I had to pay rent - and actually had to open doors myself. That starved me and I lost such a mammoth amount of weight. What I rue in hindsight is that my hind is still quite a sight.”
“One cheeky reply.”
“Not exactly. There are two. Smooth, I assure you.”
“Your saga sounds very similar to Jayalalitha’s.”
“Are you a dumb, novice reporter”?
“Oh, so you juggled the letters into Mamma….. “
“From Amma.”

Repeat telecast on Cartoon Network and Animal Planet on a TV near you.

A Dirge For Bush

By Gautam Date
Kabul, September 21:
The terrorist attacks in the US were a terrible thing. Granted. It not only removed two very distinguished global landmarks but the very heart of American military intelligence was hit as well.
Make no mistake (LOL, I got carried away. That's a Bush leitmotif; trademark, patent, copyright and all) the US administration is hell-bent on revenge. That it is yet to prove it was not Osama, bothers them not. They couldn't get him for the embassy bombings in Kenya so lets get him now folks. What better time and reason. It matters not either, that two suspects, whose names were mentioned in the hijackings, are actually alive elsewhere in the flesh.
The global Himmler, having drummed up the requisite support, is not only sending his stormtroopers on a one-way ticket but those of other armies as well.
A mighty USSR had to shamefully retreat even when a sustained campaign, lasting all of ten years, could do very little and achieved absolutely nothing.
The US cannot prevail in conflicts where the terrain is hostile or not to their liking. It happened in Vietnam. It did so too in the Gulf (three Hail Mary's for Saddam). It will happen here, yet again (make no mistake), in Afghanistan.
Bush better have a damn good excuse for the body bags that will return once the attack on Afghan territory begins.

PS: General Pervez Musharraf, having genuflected to appease, will come a complete and total cropper. Make No Mistake, for:
There was once a dictator called Pervez
Who was forced to do what Bush sez
Agreeing to the Afghanis' topple
He went against his people
And never came out of the terrible maze
RIP: Ripped In Pakistan

BCCI Picks New Team

By Gautam Date

New Delhi, September 20:
With a series of injuries plaguing the Indian ODI team for the tour of South Africa, the BCCI, the Indian Olympic Committee and minister of sports, Uma Bharati, were desperately seeking solutions to put in a new and fresh team - one that will not be a customary and traditional embarrassment.
Emerging from the Khel Mantralaya building in New Delhi, Muthiah said a new team has been picked and Dr Anant Joshi who certified the regular players fit, fired.
The new team:
Saurav Ganguly (C) since he is Shaun Pollock's favourite bakra.
Rahul Dravid (vice captain). A complete oddity. He actually wins as acting captain.
Karnam Malleshwari: With a little steroids, can hit Clean (sixes and) Snatch (catches). The Proteas are posting ground staff with fishing nets outside the stadium. Special cast-iron willow being made.
Narain Karthikeyan: The speedster will replace Zaheer and compliment Sreenath.
Jaspal Rana: With his Accuracy and Fire Power, is expected to be used extensively in the slog overs.
Geet Sethi: Will provide the Cue for other players and Snooker the SA team.
Cheema Okerie: Excellent fielding prospect. Will be stationed in the gully.
Pullela Gopichand: Is believed to be a great wristy bowler and Shuttler between wickets.
Jeev Milkha Singh: For his expertise in playing on the Greens and his Swing.
Baichung Bhutia: Has tenacity to get Dribble and Triple centuries.
Aparna Popat: Will dhopat the SA bowlers and Shuttle for quick runs.
Twelfth Man: Mahesh Bhupathi. An Ace at Services. For water, pads, guards, etc.
Managers: Mike Tyson. To bash up umpires if they raise fingers before Ganguly's 100.
Arnold Shivaji Nagar. To assist the manager in finishing up bits of umpires overlooked by Tyson should they have the gall to ask for the third against Indians.

KBC Gets Tougher
By Gautam Date
Bombay, September 19:
There had been a wave of protests and hate mail that KBC was being confused with its Junior version. Viewers strongly protested questions like If a person has two hands, how many arm-pits does he have?
This they claimed, was worse than BBC's Mastermind.
Siddharth Basu, the producer, was indeed in need of some intelligent and articulate questions - one's that would fax the train.
So severe was the crisis that they approached G M Rao, a renowned parliamentarian - yes, he unfortunately had brains - to provide a set of questions for the next episode of KBC.
Nustakhallas managed to get a sample:
Q: If it is 4.20 am in the Antarctic, what will be the time in
Options: The North Pole. In the igloo. My sun dial has lost the seconds' hand.
Q Dogs have a terrific sense of smell because
Options: You rarely have a bath. People raise arms often. Life stinks.
Q: It's a dark night if
Options: Its midnight. You cant see. It's a little past 23:59:59 hours.
Q: What will be the colour of a black dog when:
Options: Viewed by an IR imager. Green glasses. A blind person.
Q: If a person wears glasses, he
Options: Hallucinates, Sees mirages, Sees optical illusions
Q: If a 2 kb file is downloading, it is
Options: Coming down. Is loading underneath/below. Will tell you next week after download.
Q: If your head touches the bathroom shower, you
Options: Don't have a bath. Your shower does not work. Are confused over location of upside-down WC.
Q: The height of the 8000-odd foot Himalayas is:
Options: 7999.98 feet, snow, 8001 feet.
(Correct if you choose 'snow' because well . we say so)
Q: Will a visually handicapped person be able to see:
Options: The Wall (disrespect to Floyd). The mirror. KBC once a week in Braille. (The Wall of course. He banged into it, didn't he?).
Q: If the cigarette has ash, will it:
Options: Have an ashtray, a filter, a smoker attached to it.
Finally, Siddarth, totally confused, completely bewildered and in sheer perspiration: Can I have the lone Pepsi?
Amitabh: Aap mere ko uloo samaj thhe hain?

Peace in Kashmir
An Exclusive Interview With The Pakistani President

Pakistan's president, General Pervez Bush-arraf has announced that Pakistan would not cause any problems in Kashmir and that he would help and provide full assistance to India in fighting terrorism.
Disclosing these monumental decisions at an exclusive interview to the editor of NustaKhallas, he said, "I am completely indebted to India and Indians for the relief I have received here."
Below are excerpts from the interview.
Nustakhallas: Bush-arraf, why did you come to India for the treatments?
Bush-arraf: I couldn't help it. You see, I had gone to hide in Afghanistan as the guest of Osama bin Laden.
NK: You went there !!! ?
Bush-arraf: Sure. That was the safest place for me. With the Taliban attack imminent, Osama was my safest bet. Who would think of looking for me there?
NK: Makes sense. Then why leave?
Bush-arraf: I am not used to Afghani food and cuisine. Two days and I began a series of very bad burps. I would belch at very high decibel levels. The Taliban and Osama in particular, were scared that sophisticated sonar equipment with the US would give our hideout away.
NK: Must have been a horrible experience.
Bush-arraf: Sure it was. But I didn’t say anything and shut my mouth. It was then that I was hit by yet another problem. This far worse and far serious.
NK: What was that?
Bush-arraf: I began to break terrible wind. With one outlet closed, there was only one other escape route. In the hills of Kandahar, there was no way I could plug the leaks. At high altitudes, I began to levitate. The mountains were clouded in methane and a Taliban out-post was blown up when Mujahideens lighted up. A worried Osama was looking at ways to get rid of me.
NK: So how did you come to India?
Bush-arraf: Luckily for me, your prime minister heard of my unique problems and offered me the best Unani treatment here. It has been a miracle. InshahAllah.
NK: You are cured completely?
Bush-arraf: (Raising his glass) This is my fifth soda. And you have been here for more than an hour. Haven’t you?

Solidarity With US

By Gautam Date
Agra, September 16:
Prime Minister Atal Behari Vajpayee has announced an award from the Prime Minister's Relief Fund for anyone that can lead to the location of the WTC Towers.
Speaking here where the PM arrived to relive his historical summit with Musharraf, the PM said that India is expressing solitarily with the US in its hour of grief. Asked why he chose Agra to announce the reward, he said, "This was the venue of the summit. Now with the possibility of Taliban wiping out Pakistan, I have come here in fond memory of Musharraf.
Elaborating on the award, Vajpayee said, "The award would be administered by the Rajiv Gandhi Rozgar Yojana. We have offered specially minted commemorative two rupees, one for each tower. This is the best reward there is and India believes it will help in locating the towers."
When told of the pittance of the reward, Finance Minister Yashwant Sinha countered, "US stock prices are continually falling. The NY stock exchange has not opened for over a week. We anticipate a massive trade deficit. Oil reserves in the US are low. With a sustained armed campaign against Afghanistan, oil will be at a premium, even in the US. Their economy will be in the dumps. US industry will be gripped by a massive recession. The jobless list will be extremely severe. Companies that have not already shut down will do so by the dozens."
Painting a grim scenario, Sinha added, "We thus anticipate the rupee to be traded at around one lakh dollars. Perhaps more."

Calamity Averted
Lashkar-e-Jabbar Heeds Clarion Call

By Gautam Date

Jammu, September 13:
Heeding a request by Prime Minister Vajpayee, the Lakshar-e-Jabbar, a militant outfit of Kashmir, has forthwith retracted its fatwah requiring women to adhere strictly to the Islamic dress code by wearing the abayia.
As deadline for donning the abaiya or the burqha neared, women scrambled to tailors and stores who just could not meet the demand.
So calamitous was the situation that the Northern Railway ran out of wagons, flights to Kashmir were carrying more bales of black cloth than passengers.
Tailors from New Delhi, and reportedly from as far as Kalimpong, rushed to Jammu to make a killing in stitching burquas.
Cloth mills in Gujarat and Bombay made double shifts compulsory to produce extra cloth for requirement in J & K.
Ludhiana-based companies manufacturing needles were swamped with orders they could not fulfill. Ditto the case with sewing machine manufacturers in Noida.
Truckers and transporters diverted large parts of their fleet to the Kashmir route. This resulted in their godowns elsewhere brimming to capacity with undelivered consignments.
Meanwhile, purely as a precautionary measure, manufacturers in Bhandup, Navi Mumbai together with major un-licensed companies in Bihar were putting in production, large quantities of facial acid.
The Kashmir chapter of the Beauty Parlour Owners Association (BPOA) took out a massive and unique rally in the capital dressed in bikinis, drumming up support against the veil. Said Ms Fatima Sadiqui, the BPOA spokesman, "With women donning the veil, they are no more bothered how they look. Business has really been down. At this rate we will have to shut down completely."
So totally and completely chaotic was the situation that Vajpayee convened a cabinet meeting with ministers of surface transport and industry. Consequently, the PMO issued a request to the Lashkar-e-Jabbar.
The veiled threat was thus retracted.
Industry majors and Assocham heaved a collective sigh of relief.

Jest For Fun
"Honey," said a husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."